Refuting false dichotomies
There are multiple definitions of exuberant. These two stand out:
joyously unrestrained and enthusiastic
extreme or excessive in degree, size, or extent
As a notorious caretaker and planner, I often find myself in the unenviable position of DD or coordinator. While others are joyously unrestrained and enthusiastic, I’m vigilant. Until I’m exhausted and eager to detox from others’ needs.
I’ve thought many times before that I should do better to welcome and celebrate exuberance—in myself and others. So the extreme definition of exuberance came as sweet relief. One person’s unrestrained joy is another’s excess. They can both be true.
Every day, we’re surrounded by false dichotomies. Yes or no. Right or wrong. Left or right. Good or bad. Male or female. Now or never. Open or shut. Black or white. Win or lose.
When we look closely or think more specifically, most of us would readily acknowledge the gradients in between. But a full spectrum is not our cultural default—we love to live in absolutes.
Operating from polar extremes not only limits the possibilities in between but also makes it seem impossible that two divergent things can be true at the same time. That you can be right and wrong. That you can win and lose. That you can be joyful and excessive.
I once had the privilege to participate in a learning session with a team from The Second City, who gave an illuminating and interactive demonstration of “Yes, And” thinking. In the simplest sense, a “no, but” response is a creativity and collaboration killer; “yes, but” is the dangerous middle ground akin to a backhanded compliment; and “yes, and” is the sweet spot for open communication.
“Yes, but” is a natural position to operate from whenever I’m arguing with a loved one. “Yes, I hear you and acknowledge your perspective. But I still prefer my side of the story.”
“Yes, and” felt a little clunky to me in that first session, and it often still does. But I’ve come to appreciate this way of thinking as a remedy to false dichotomies. “Yes, your perspective is valid. And so is mine.”
I can be happy and sad and anything in between. I can be rooted and free. I can be a planner and a partaker. I can hold two seemingly opposed things true at the same time. I can exist at both ends of a spectrum and explore the gradient in between.
I don’t need to be “more” of anything. Because I already am.
